


Just A Sad Song

by orphan_account



Series: Determined and Demanding [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mavin, Self Harm, Self-Harm, a really sad fic ok, although mine had much less romance, my story about my self harm and depression past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-17
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 19:27:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1196667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gavin just wanted to feel a little less numb.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just A Sad Song

**Author's Note:**

> This story is based entirely off my past with depression and self-harm. I think writing this has really helped me get over my feelings and helped me move on. Gavin's thoughts about his cutting were mine; i wold have just written about myself but I felt more comfortable putting this in fic form.  
> My only hope is this story enlightens someone's view on self-harm. If all this story can do it stop one person from hurting themselves then I've succeeded tremendously.

Gavin was empty, lonely, and he heard it helped some people. All his life, he grew up numb. No ups, no downs, numb. Sure for a short period of time, when he moved to America to work at Rooster Teeth, it stopped. For a little while he was better and could feel again, but for the longest time before and after the move, he needed help not to feel numb.

The first time it happened he knew what he was doing. He used an old X-acto knife’s blade he found in a box; the first slice stung like a bitch, and barely even left a mark. When he looked at faint white mark, Gavin was disgusted. He was disgusted with the mark, himself, even life in general that he had to be doing this just to feel something. He looked at it; and consciously made the decision that it felt good. It felt _really good_. The sting of the cold metal was beautiful compared to the nothingness he’d felt beforehand.

The second slice was a bit harder, enough to leave a little white mark behind. And when he lifted the blade back up, a little bit of blood began to beat up on the cut. He loved it. After one more identical line, he realized how stupid it was to be cutting his wrist. Someone was going to see; long sleeves weren’t always practical, even in England during winter. Of course, the whole situation was stupid, but that wasn’t going to stop Gavin now. He’s all in now.

Gavin spent a minute thinking about it, there was nowhere on his body he could really hide. He obviously had to stop on his wrist, he couldn’t do his hip—what if his shirt rode up?—or his leg. He decided if he just wore socks all the time, he could hide his foot nearly 24/7.

So he got to work.

Many bright red lines later, Gavin was thinking clearer than he ever had before. He breathed evenly—which, with anxiety, never happens anymore—and he was calm. So, unable to look at the blood-covered blade any longer, he wiped it off and patted the bleeding cuts until they calmed down. When he slid on a pair of black socks, it was like it never happened. No one had to know, only he could feel then stinging. Only he would ever have to see the blood.

Gavin was disgusted with himself. He couldn’t believe he consciously made the decision to harm himself like this. It’s not like what people say it is. Gavin knew exactly what he was doing. He wasn’t “numb to the pain”, the pain was the only thing stopping the numbness. The pain was the whole reason he was doing this stupid thing. He just couldn’t believe he was reducing himself this low.

But it’s not like he was hurting anyone important.

Two days later, he did it again. It did the job just as well as the last time.

The day after the second time, he broke. He broke to his best friend Dan, telling him everything. Gavin and Dan had been best friends for a while; they’d worked at the same shop since high school and told each other everything. One night they were playing Halo at Dan’s place and Gavin sighed, pausing the game.  
“I’m stupid.” He said.

“I know.”

“No, like, I did something stupid...” Dan looked at Gavin, confused. “And I just really want to do it again.”

After Dan got every last detail out of Gavin, he hugged him. Not telling Gavin to stop, since he knew that wouldn’t work, instead just telling him that he’s here for Gavin and to keep him updated.

Gavin knew there was a reason Dan was his best friend. And with a smile, he started the game back up.

Moving to America was a huge deal. He was excited and sad at the same time and there were just so many emotions that Gavin never even thought about cutting. Except for when he packed and unpacked his supplies in his suitcase, it didn’t cross his mind for a solid month.

Once he got comfortable in America, the old empty feelings started coming back. He was now permanently settled in Geoff’s guest house and was working full time for Achievement Hunter.

His life was settling out again. It scared Gavin, he didn’t even have Dan to talk to this time.

The first time he cut in weeks was a night after some bevs with Michael and Barbara.  He felt a bit more isolated than usual, Michael and Barb just seemed so friendly tonight… Gavin couldn’t reel in his anxiety and the alcohol wasn’t doing shit to help.

Gavin had been crushing on Michael since they met. He knew it was going to end badly, his love life always ends badly. Gavin decided to keep the feelings to himself, Michael wasn’t even gay after all.

That night was just the last straw, he pulled his old friends out from their hiding place in the back of his dresser. He kept his razor blades in the box with his band aids. Gavin pitied himself for just a minute, thinking again about how stupid he was for doing this. He thought about how he should have grown out of this by now; he was just another cliché now.

But shoving off the thought like always, he sat down on his bed and took his sock off. The socks that covered scars going back years.

One cut for anxiety,

One slice for stress,

One mark for emptiness,

One bright red line just for the pain.

Gavin kept going: cut, breathe, feel, cut, breathe, feel, etc. He was tired and lonely but couldn’t even feel it until he felt the pain and saw the blood.

Gavin disgusted even himself.

 

The next Monday, Gavin was going to be late to work. He unconsciously pressed snooze too many times, then he couldn’t find any pants and, well, let’s just say it’s a bad morning. Running out the door, he didn’t have time to find a clean pair of socks, so he just had to throw on his shoes without them.

Gavin had gone without socks plenty of times, he didn’t even think about it until he got to the office. It was about half way through the day when Burnie—a little too casually—walked into the Achievement Hunter office. Gavin didn’t even have time to process Lindsay filming from behind him until Burnie’s shoe was already flying at his face.

Kung-shu is a game Gavin and Burnie have been playing for years. It was a dumb game where sneakily threw their shoes at each other and made racist kung-fu noises during it.

That’s it. That’s the game.

Normally, Gavin would already have his shoe half off and about to chuck it back at Burnie, but this morning he didn’t wear any fucking socks. Gavin just laughed off the situation and threw Burnie’s shoe back at him.

Burnie left and Gavin thought he was safe. He sighed, turning back to his computer, until Lindsay pulled him out of his chair. She was obviously trying to not laugh but still filming all the while.

“What are you doing?!” He yelled while laughing.

“Come with me, he’ll never expect it now!” He tugged him into the hall, running after Burnie who was seemingly headed to the studio.

“What?”

“Gimme your shoe!” She hush-whispered.

“What? No!” That definitely wasn’t an option.

“Come on, he’ll never expect it if we strike now!” She ushered him, making to grab at his feet.

“No Lindsay, I’m not going to.”

“Oh please!” Wrestled him to the floor. Thankfully, for Gavin’s dignity, no one was watching. “Give… Me… Your… Shoe!”

“Just use yours!”

“Can’t-“ Lindsay only got one word out before she had his converse pulled off his foot. She stared dumb-founded at the multi-colored lines across the top.  “Gavin?”

Gavin panicked, this wasn’t supposed to happen. She stared into his eyes, trying to read him, but if was Gavin could do in that moment just to breathe. He eventually shoved her off roughly and ripped the shoe out of her hand. Without a word, he got up and walked out the front doors.

Why was he so stupid? He should have pushed her off sooner! When did Lindsay get so strong? Or was he just weak?

The thought didn’t surprise him.

“Gavin stop!” She grabbed his arm when he was half way through the parking lot.

He pulled his arm out of her grip. “Lindsay, don’t-“

“Are those what I think they are?” She interrupted him. Gavin didn’t respond, he just looked at his shoes, pretending she never saw beneath them. “Look at me.” She pulled his face so their eyes could meet. “What is this about?” Gavin just shrugged, she’d never understand. She’d laugh just everyone does, he’s a cliché after all. “Is this about Michael?”

Now, that through him through a loop. “What?”

“Is that,” She gestured to his feet. “about Michael?” D-did she know about his crush? Gavin and Lindsay were buds, but they weren’t _that_ close. 

“Wha- How?”

Lindsay laughed suddenly at the expression on his face. “You confessed it to me drunk like, weeks ago.”

And that’s how Gavin found himself sitting on the curb with Lindsay, absently picking at the hem of his shirt.

“Are you going to talk to me or are you just going to sit there?” She asked, annoyed.

“I was thinking I’d go back to work but I’m guessing that’s not happening is it?”

“Nope.” She smiled.

Gavin took a deep breath. “What do you want to know?”

Lindsay paused, unsure what to ask or what would upset him. “When did this start?”

Gavin’s eyes never left the pavement, even though her’s bore holes in the side of his face. “Few months ago, now.”

Lindsay nodded. “So it’s not about Micha-“

“No it’s not about Michael.” Gavin didn’t let her finish.

“Touchy.” Lindsay held her hands up in surrender.

“Are we done here?” Gavin asked, standing up quickly.

“Wait,” She stood up to look him in the eye. “just tell me why.”

He looked Lindsay dead in the eye. “You would never understand.” He stared at her for just a moment longer, it looked like she wanted to say something else but couldn’t form the words. He tried to keep the hurt off his face, he probably failed though.

When he turned away he took a deep breath before reaching the front door of the office; didn’t want to seem upset if they were filming inside.

“Gav,”

He looked at her once more. “What Lindsay?”

“Are you going to be ok?” She looked so sincere, and he knew exactly what she was asking. She was worried she wouldn’t see him tomorrow.

He laughed a lifeless chuckle. “I’m not suicidal.” And it was true; he hadn’t been suicidal since he met Rooster Teeth people online. There were times long ago, when he was ready to leave. There were times when he was so done that he had stood in his bathroom with the pill bottle in his hand, unable to put them in his mouth and just _swallow_. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t even kill himself, he was a chicken. So he’d punished himself that night with a few extra cuts to his wrist instead of his foot.

With an extra deep breath, he went back to work.

And later that night, if he punished himself for not even being able to hide it, no one had to know.

Lindsay looked after him from then on, and in Gavin’s eyes, it was annoying as fuck. She was constantly asking how he was doing, and if he’d eaten lunch yet. Which he had! For god’s sake, he wasn’t anorexic! Lindsay obviously cared for him, but he was mainly concerned that she didn’t tell anyone else. Gavin would never be able to take it if more people found out.

A few days later, Gavin wasn’t sure if he was going to last the day. He pulled an all-nighter the night before, playing Dead Rising 3, and he was pretty sure he was going to pass out any second. In a desperate attempt for energy before they filmed Go!, he went in search of a Red Bull. As he walked into the kitchen, he noticed Michael and Lindsay at the kitchen table. Lindsay had her hands held over her mouth, giggling through them. She was looking back and forth between Michael and Gavin, desperately holding back laughter.

Michael wouldn’t look at him.

They were probably just making fun of him.

Gavin got his Red Bull out of the fridge and returned to his desk. Later, when Michael came back into the room, they filmed GO! And Gavin won a few rounds. Other than the fact that he was tired as shit, he was feeling pretty good.

“Hey Gavin!” Lindsay broke him out of his editing haze, tapping him on his shoulder.

He took his headphones off to hear her. “Hey Linds.” He smiled, she was beaming.

“What were you planning on doing for lunch?” She asked, glancing up at Michael who was, very obviously, pretending not to pay attention.

“I don’t know, I was just going to make myself some noodles or something.”

She made a face. “No way, you’re going to Chipotle with me and Michael.” Gavin looked over at Michael, who was gripping his mouse so hard his knuckles were white. His eyes never left the computer screen but it was obvious he was listening to every word.

“Uh, sure?”

“Yes!” Lindsay punched the air. “Ok we’ll leave in about an hour.” She spun around, giggling like a maniac, and left just the same.

Gavin shook his head, getting back to work.

“Actually can I have a lid for mine, I’m gonna take it to go.” Lindsay told the cashier at Chipotle, roughly an hour and twenty minutes later. The cashier shrugged, uninterested, and put a lid on her burrito bowl.

“I thought we were eating here…” Gavin asked.

“Oh, you and Michael are,” Michael, who hadn’t said a word to Gavin all day, stood behind the both of them in line. “I’m going back to the office, ya know, work and stuff.” She had a smug grin on her face.

“But-“ Shoving her money at the cashier, she left before he could say anything else. “But you drove us here…”

“Just go find a table Gav.” Michael mumbled. What is up with everyone today? Gavin and Michael paid for their burritos and got their drinks, sitting down at the cleanest available table.

“So why did Lindsay strand us at Chipotle?”

Michael swallowed a large bite before answering. “She said she had work to do, don’t you fucking listen?”

Gavin nodded and sipped his sprite awkwardly. “Right.”

“She said something else too…” Gavin looked up; Michael was staring down at his burrito.

“Oh?”

“Yeah… she uh, she said something about you, this morning.” _Fuck. Fucking fuck._ Was all Gavin could think. Lindsay had fucking told Michael about his cutting; he should have made her promise not to tell anyone. _Fuck._

“Shit, I’m sorry, she just found out and she wasn’t supposed to! I should have made her promise not to tell anyone. You don’t have to worry I’m-“

“Gavin stop.” Gavin slammed his mouth shut, staring at the man he’s been crushing on for as long as he’s known him. Everything was about to fall to nothing, this is it, he’s fucked it all up. Any chance with Michael is out the window now. _Good job Gavin, you’ve managed to fuck this up too._ “I feel the same.”

_You fuck everything up. You-_ “Wait what?”

“I feel the same.” Does Michael cut too? What was Lindsay motive? To rip out Gavin’s heart and stomp on it too? “I like you too.” Michael clarified when Gavin didn’t say anything.

“You… What?” Did he just say…?

Michael took a deep breath. “I told Lindsay how I fucking feel about you and she said you’ve felt the same fucking way ok.”

Gavin smiled, he wasn’t sure if this was real or not, but he was going to enjoy this while he could. “Eloquently put.”

“Oh, fuck you.” But Michael said it with a smile.

Gavin shifted his feet below him, feeling the wounds rubbing against his socks. He didn’t know what to do. “Does this make this our first date then?” He joked.

Michael laughed and threw a bite of chicken at him.

Gavin didn’t see a reason to cut that night.

Michael and Gavin’s relation sip started off slow, neither sure what to do from there. They didn’t even kiss until their third official date, which was to see The Lego Movie… again.  They weren’t the kind of couple to hold hands or be lovey-dovey. That fact alone frustrated not only, the fan but all their friends. Michael and Gavin weren’t in to public displays of affection and didn’t really act all that different towards each other in general. They were happy just being around each other and that was enough for them.

Everything seemed to go smoothly until one night—Gavin lost count of dates—when Michael took him out to a really nice dinner; a fancy place, with table clothes and folded napkins. Michael was being extra sweet that night, in little ways; he pushed Gavin’s chair in for him and poured his wine and everything.

Gavin was suspicious.

That night, they sat on Michael’s couch. “Gavin, you fuck!” They were playing Gavin’s favorite game; Halo 3.

“Ha! Told you I can beat you at something!” Gavin didn’t even think about his socked feet tucked under himself.

“Oh yeah?” Michael pushed, putting his controller down and leaning over to kiss Gavin passionately.

“yeah…” Gavin breathed out, letting his controller fall to the floor and kissing Michael back.

“Gav…” Michael looked gazed into his eyes, now essentially on top of Gavin. He kissed his lips once more before slowly moving his kisses lower, to Gavin’s neck.

Gavin gripped the back of the couch, his other hand on Michael’s shoulder, while Michael’s hand began sliding underneath Gavin’s shirt; unknowing of the scars just an inch from his fingertips. “Michael!” Gavin slid out from underneath his boyfriend less than gracefully, falling on his butt on the floor.

“What’s wrong?” Michael looked so concerned; it broke Gavin’s heart just a little.

“I-I can’t... um…” Gavin stumbled over his words as he grabbed his phone off the table and began roughly putting his shoes on. It hurt a little more than it probably should have.

Before opening the door Gavin looked over at a hurt Michael, still sitting on the couch. “I-I’m sorry.” He said, and closed the door behind him gently.

The walk home was excruciating, Gavin repeatedly wiping tears from his cheeks, trying not to sob. He’d fucked it up just like everything else. He couldn’t have anything he wanted, he couldn’t have a boyfriend; he couldn’t have a normal life. _You can’t do anything right._ _You’re worthless. Who wants to date someone who cuts themselves? Who could ever care for such a piece of shit?_

_You’re nothing._

The first thing Gavin did when he got home was find his favorite box; the crappy Band-Aid box that held his best friends.

He threw it at the wall, allowing the contents to scatter across the floor. Gavin sat on the edge of his bed and cried until he ran out of tears. Not even cutting himself could fix this now.

In fact, it would only make it worse.

Gavin lay back on his bed; He fell asleep quickly, exhausted from the crying. He dreamed of sweet nothingness and longed for it.

The next morning Gavin woke up all too clear-headed; he just wanted to be unconscious again.  He got changed out of the clothes from last night, showering, and meeting Geoff to leave for work, all while only thinking of the night before.

He’d fucked up big time.

Michael wasn’t there yet when he arrived at work. Unable to focus on actual work, he just scrolled twitter for a bit, responding to a few fan’s tweets. After Michael was officially an hour late for work, Gavin wasn’t even reading tweets anymore. He was just staring blankly at the screen, scrolling for no reason.

When Michael finally busted though the door, he looked like he hadn’t slept a wink. He was most definitely hung over and wore a no-bullshit face.  “Look who’s here!” He announced, gesturing to Gavin. “The disappearing boyfriend _appears_!” Michael threw his bag roughly on the floor.

“Michael I-“

“Shut the fuck up asshole!” Luckily Ray was the only other person in the room, and he had the good sense to leave, closing the door behind him. “Did you know I sent you five fucking texts last night? Did you know, because I didn’t receive one back! Not even a ‘got home safe’.” Michael mocked his voice in a terrible British accent. Gavin had been so wrapped up in his own head; he never even thought to check his phone.

“I’m sorry I-“

“Oh _you’re sorry_?” Michael threw his arms in the air. “You’re _sorry_! Well that just fucking solves everything, doesn’t it?”

“Michael, stop, I-“

“Stop?” Now he finally let the hurt show through his angry mask, letting his arms fall to his sides. “You could have just said that last night.” And without another word from either party, Michael left.

Gavin wiped at dry eyes. Now, he’d lost Michael; just like he loses everything else. These stupid scars had ruined everything for him.

Gavin had never hated himself more than he did at that moment.

He let his head fall into his hands; this whole situation was just so fucked up. He needed to get off his ass and fix this, so before he could lose his courage, he went in search of his—possibly ex—boyfriend. The halls of the Rooster Teeth office were fairly empty as usual; unless something was filming, everyone stayed at their desks respectively. Gavin eventually found Michael talking to Lindsay at her desk. They seemed very invested in their conversation, not noticing as Gavin walked up to them. At least Michael didn’t seem as mad as before.

“For how long?”

“He said months.”

And with just those two sentences, Gavin knew exactly what was happening. “Hey guys.” He said; they both spun around, surprised to see him.

“Oh Gav,” Michael jumped from his spot, leaning against her desk, to hug Gavin. “You should have told me.” Michael was squeezing him so hard, Gavin physically couldn’t respond other than to shake his head minutely. “Come with me.” Michael dragged him by the hand to the first empty room they could find, which just happened to be the conference room.

Michael let go of Gavin’s hand and started pacing back and forth. Gavin just stared at the floor, feeling line a child waiting for a scolding. Occasionally, Michael would open his mouth as if to say something, but then snap it shut just as quick. After he paced back and forth twice more, Gavin couldn’t take it anymore.

“Please just say something.” He pleaded, reaching out and taking Michael’s hands in his. They were both shaking.

Michael stared into his eyes for a moment. “Just, why?”

“You would never understand.” Gavin shook his head.

“Try me.” His response was so quick; it took Gavin back a bit.

“I don’t know, it’s hard to describe.” Michael looked at him, his eyes pleading for more of an answer. “It just helps.”

“Helps how?”

Gavin hesitated, this is the cliché. This is the part he hated, where he sounded like a dumb pre-teen girl. “To feel.” Gavin stared back at the floor, unable to handle Michael’s inevitable disappointment in him. “I’m just so numb all the time.”

Michael’s arms wrapped around him, pulling him as close as was humanly possible. “I care so much about you Gavin, please stop this.”

Gavin couldn’t respond, he didn’t know what to say. “I don’t make promises I can’t keep.”

Michael pushed himself away, forcing Gavin to look him in the eye. “Fuck that.” He moved to hold Gavin’s hands in his own. “I’m going to help you stop this. Ok?”

Gavin hesitated, afraid of the inevitable disappointment he would most likely put Michael through. “…O-ok.” Gavin swallowed back his tears, instead wiping away Michael’s. “I’ll try.”

That day, at lunch they went back to Gavin’s house and threw away his favorite box. Michael held his boyfriend as he cried.

They would get through this together, and maybe Gavin would no longer just be another sad song.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, if you are struggling with depression or self-harm, just know you are not alone! There are help lines out there you can call toll-free for professional help or you can just message me on tumblr at drunkroosters.tumblr.com or startreat.tumblr.com. You don't have to be alone in this, people are here to help. Let us end your sad song.


End file.
